Riding the parenting wave

When I'm staring into the eye of a storm, darning is my happy place

As I pulled the needle down under that first woollen loop, I felt a wave of calm roll through me.

Yesterday, as I sat at my desk and started darning, the swell of anxiety that had accumulated over the past few weeks retreated. Actually, it’s more accurate to say, the anxiety that has intensified over the past 12 years, ever since I first learned I was pregnant and a powerful protectiveness I didn’t know I was capable of, began to build…

The biggest wave I’ve ever seen is coming for me…I’d dreamt of riding it, but I have no idea what to expect and now, even if I wanted to, there’s no escaping this tsunami. So, I hang on and hope I’ll know what to do when it arrives.

Last week my eldest son had his SATS. He’s off to secondary school in September so there will be a lot of change for all of us. I can deal with exam pressures, the accompanying anxiety and all the other stuff that comes with the end of primary school, like the gargantuan task of ordering leavers hoodies for the whole year and helping organise the year 6 party. That stuff can be fun, niggly, annoying, even downright stressful.

But that’s all child’s play - a piddling paddling pool - compared to the tidal wave that is my son going on school camp. Five days and four nights away. That’s a breaker right there.

School comms during camp has been minimal to say the least. Many of the other parents are feeling it too, except for the seasoned ones, who have older kids. They’ve ridden this wave before. The rest of us, well…we’re all at sea. But that’s parenting for you. Even though I’m over the worst of it - the anticipation and the first day at camp - to quote a fellow mum and newbie surfer, ‘my nerves are shot’.

I am not used to this.

This not knowing.

What if…

What if he…

What if what if what if!

So many what ifs.

I am drowning in them.

And so, I sew.

Darning is my happy place. Even when its tricky and fiddly, it is satisfying, rewarding, creative and calming (when I drafted this sentence I wrote ‘calming’ twice – that’s how calming darning is for me). Having a mindful practice that I can turn to is essential for me. I find it hard to do nothing, so having an activity where I can switch off just enough, whist keeping my brain occupied, helps my mind and body settle. A surge of stress ebbs, then ripples. Sometimes it disappears. For a while.

Until another storm builds. It is the way.

And as I imagine my son on his camp, having the best time (I hope), gorge walking, cave climbing, out on the water, riding the crest of his wave, I get out my needle and yarn to help myself stay sane. To get my two feet back on firmer ground.

The mindful darn in question is the second sleeve repair on my wonderful orange wool cardigan. This repair has been incredibly satisfying – the repetitive over and under motion eased my anxiety and helped me feel a sense of stillness and order. It was comforting.

My mending kit for this repair:

• Darning yarn

• Long needle and short needle

• Snips

The finished darn.

Here’s how I did this repair:

• I started on the inside of the cuff, going under one loop and over the next. As I rose over the top of the cuff edge, I made sure I didn’t pull the yarn too tight as that would warp the line of the cuff

• When I reached the bottom of the first row, on the outer cuff, I turned and came back up the next row – over and under

• I repeated this for all the areas along the cuff that were damaged from wear

• There were sections where the wool had worn entirely, and holes had formed. In these places, I darned a weft row horizontally, stitching over and under my original vertical warp row

Tomorrow my son will be home.

Today, darning and writing will help me keep my balance while I ride this wave.

What’s coming up this week:

My mending pile: a pair of socks my son got for Christmas that got snagged on our wooden floorboards during building work.

Next week on The Mending Kit: I’d like to say I’ll share something next week, but as it’s school half term, I think it’s unlikely.

Want to read some more of my posts about darning? You can find them here: Darns from The Mending Kit.

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